Donation

In a move we borrowed from our founder we are now donating money we do not technically have. Isn’t that cool?

China

We are excited to announce that we are further decentralizing our options by offering FuckCoinCashCHNY. We think entering the Chinese market with zero consultation with the CCP is a foolproof path to success.

SIX CHAINS

WE’RE GONNA DECENTRALIZE ALL OVER THESE CHAINS. NEW YORK IS DOOMED.

FIVE MOTHERFUCKING CHAINS

NEW YORK IS A MYTH, ALL HAIL THE HYDRACOIN. EVERY TIME YOU GIVE US A SUBPOENA WE ADD ANOTHER CHAIN. THIS ONE DOESN’T EVEN EXIST YET MOTHERFUCKERS, WE’RE STILL LAUNCHING THOUGH. HAHAHAHAHA

FOUR CHAINS

Ignore the news from New York we are on 4 FUCKING CHAINS! Sure this one isn’t even kinda decentralized, and sure it’s deeply connected to our founder who we don’t talk about. Four chains though. That’s more than three.

NYAG

We would like to respond to the allegations being spread by the unconstitutional New York Attorney General’s Office: we are innocent.

Sure we were not backed, but that is irrelevant.

Sure we gave $1 billion to money launderers with no contract but who hasn’t.

Sure we gave a loan to our partner company making us insolvent so they wouldn’t be.

Sure we paid ourselves bonuses with your money.

I forgot where I was going with this.

Three Chains

You know what is better than two chains? Three chains of course. Sure people may say that no one uses this third chain and it’s a poorly done copy and paste job of the second chain but we are launching anyway. The dude behind the decentralized chain is also offering some prizes? Cars and money? Have it you wild traders.

People can redeem again

Just so everyone knows you’re good to redeem again. Oh shit did we forget to announce that there was a long time where you couldn’t redeem? Listen that mistake is on us, and we will maybe do better in the future. In the meantime it is important that you start redeeming or even better send us any cash, bitcoin, securities, loans, lint, or horses so we can get some more tokens into this brilliant new economy.

New Bank

Oh man guys big news, we have a bank again. It’s down in the Caribbean and they even agreed to sign a letter saying we have money, well they won’t sign it but it’s definitely on their letterhead. Listen, we were never sure if we were gonna be in this position again, and so I just want to say thank you to all of you for a few more months of fun.

Redemption

We’re redeeming for the first time ever! Why you ask? Because we feel like! Just thought you should know. Please carry on with your trading.